Interview 16

CFD has asked Barbara LesStrang to author a series of monthly articles about "aftercare". In this and subsequent issues, we'll bring you information from interviews with funeral directors from all over the world, who are now serving their communities with aftercare programs.  Last  month we interviewed a funeral director from Michigan.  Let's take a look at what others have to say.

Our interview this month is with Jamie Boles, a native of North Carolina. In 1981 he graduated from  Sand Hills Community College with a degree in business administration, and in 1982, graduated from Cincinnati College of Mortuary Science.  His wife, Melissa Boles, received her nursing degree from Sand Hills Community College in 1983 and her funeral director's license in 1988.  Jamie and Melissa are the parents of four children, Erin, Emily, Palmer and Glen.  Jamie is an active member in many community service organizations.  Boles Funeral Home and Crematory, Southern Pines, NC, has been an independent funeral home since 1959.  It was founded by John D. and Margaret McKeithen and served the community under their name until it was purchased by James and Melissa Smith Boles in 1984.  At that time the name changed to Boles Funeral Home.  In May 1994 a second funeral home was built in the Seven Lakes community of West End, NC.  A crematory was added at the Southern Pines location in 1995.  The Boles family also owns an ambulance service.

During a time when social structures are rapidly changing, do you feel that bereaved families get the necessary grief support within their churches, neighborhoods and friendship circles? 

Boles:  Even though there are several churches in our area that reach out to support the needs of the bereaved in their congregations,  many people are still suffering deep grief after the death of their loved one.  Also, some of our residents have no church affiliation. Twenty-five years ago we were a small community where everyone knew everyone else, and families lived within 20 miles of each other.  So support was near.  Today the greater percentage of our families are retired to this area.  The majority have no family anywhere near.  When a spouse dies, which is usually the husband, you have a widow who feels very much alone after the family leaves.  Also, she finds herself not as much a part of the country-club scene as she was when her husband was alive.

Based on your experience, how would you describe the major needs of newly bereaved people?   

Boles:  After the first couple of weeks, most bereaved need someone to identify with and to share their experience--often over and over again.  Some have very supportive families but many are left with no one to meet their grieving needs.  They also need direction in knowing how to grieve.  You do run into some families that have been through this before, but to most it is a new experience. 

What was it that precipitated your decision to implement an Aftercare program?     

Boles:I had for several years seen the need to do more for the survivors of death and I wanted to do more.  With the changes going on in our community, as well as the rapid growth and the majority of our residents being retirees, I could see this need increasing rapidly.  And parenthetically, I thought an Aftercare program would also enhance our reputation.  It would be just the right touch to separate our funeral home from the other funeral homes in our area.  My only need was someone to implement it all.  In April, 1995, we had a couple join our staff for funeral prearranging.  After they had been here for a while I shared with them the desire and plans to provide Aftercare to our families.  They were as eager as I was to see a program like this work.  So we began to search for material that would project our sentiments.   In May of 1996 our program was underway. 

Please describe your program for us?   

Boles:Our Aftercare representative, Doris McRae, tries to be in the home of the survivors within the first three days following the funeral to take the registration book, a laminated obituary notice or just to say 'hello' to let our families know that we will be back in a week or so.  On the second visit we take our Aftercare grief recovery material and she stays as long as necessary to listen and share specific grief information.  Sometimes during that visit or the next one, we encourage the survivor to begin the process of getting their own arrangements in order, if they have not already done so.  We have found that doing this is very satisfying for the griever, especially while everything is fresh on his or her mind.  It seems to make them feel that they are helping their own loved ones, which they are. We now know one of the things that helps a grieving person is doing caring things for others.  On several occasions Doris has made arrangements for some of our new grievers to meet with someone who has gone through a similar loss so they can share and help each other.  This has been very successful.  In August, 1996, we sponsored a Grief Seminar for our families and held a Clergy Seminar about grief recovery as well.  We felt they were both very successful.  And from this, we began our Grief Support Group.  Our support group is held four times each year and runs one night a week for four consecutive weeks.  The groups are conducted by a woman in our area with a degree in social work. We send letters of invitation to our recent survivors.  We also place an announcement in our local paper to invite the public to attend. There is no charge.  We also send our survivors a monthly grief recovery HelpLetter for six months.  Each issue has articles dealing with various aspects of grief recovery, stories written by those who have experienced grief which help survivors learn how to do the specific grief work that needs to be done, and answers to questions asked about recovery.  We also provide a helpful book for those who are grieving.  Our ongoing commitment is to make ourselves available for our families for as long as they need us.  Doris has also been to several homes in the area and shared time and material with those who have used another funeral establishment.  Our desire is to try and ease the pain of our families any way that we can and be there for as long as they need us.  We also want to serve anyone else in our community in the same fashion. In September of 1996 we began our 'Lady's Day Away' which involves outings for our widows. We have made two trips to Myrtle Beach. We have also planned trips where our ladies go out to eat together and then see a play in a neighboring city.  This has been particularly successful.  Our widows feel that they are not alone.  Through these outings many have gotten to know other widows and made new friends.   

Does your Aftercare program mean extra work for you or the  members of your staff?

Boles:   Adding Aftercare has sometimes meant more hours for us but we thrive on helping others.  We are used to being on 24-hour call when a family needs us when there has been a death.  I tell my staff that while, of course, our own individual families must come first, this can not be at the expense of those we serve.  I have four children under the age of 13 myself.  If there is a special need for a staff member to be home with their families, then the rest of us just pitch in and work a little extra.  We are as committed to Aftercare as we are to our other services.  Yes, it takes a little work to organize the trips for our widows, plan support groups, send letters and stay abreast of the leaps and bounds made in the last few years in the area of grief recovery, but the benefits we have seen for our families have been worth every effort we have put forth.  My belief has always been that our services do not end at the cemetery and we are proving that.

What kind of response have you had from your families?

Boles:   The response has been simply unbelievable.  We have received so many positive comments from the survivors.  We receive several notes each  week from spouses and children thanking us for going the extra mile.  We have had several children after the loss of their father contact us and thank us for being there for their mother. 

How do you deal with stigmatized and traumatized deaths? 

Boles:   The other directors and I look for specific needs during the arrangement conference.  When we identify a need, we alert our Aftercare representative and have her look for specific material for that particular need.  We have found that at first, literature does little good in traumatic situations. The shock seems to last much longer.  But when the shock wears off, survivors usually want to read everything they can find in order to try to relieve some of the pain.  At times Doris will arrange a meeting between a newly bereaved person or couple and someone who has suffered a similar loss in the past.  We have been told by those who have had more time to grieve their loss, that being able to help someone else by listening, and then providing insights and hope and comfort, is often beneficial to them as well as to the new griever.

Is there any particular group within the bereaved that you feel need more support?  

Boles:  Without a doubt, parents who have suffered the loss of a child.  This is just against all expectations that your child should predecease you.  It often makes even the strongest believer question God.  And it has been my experience that this creates the greatest need for support as well as an extended time for that support.

We know there are many personal rewards in helping your families move through the grief process.  Please share one of your memorable experiences.

Boles:  It is always gratifying to hear someone tell you later that in some way you helped ease their pain.  Even in the years before we began our Aftercare program, we would try to share our knowledge from education or past experiences with our families in the conference room and during our follow-up visits, but I have always felt this was not enough.  Now that we are just a little over a year into our new endeavor, we are beginning to hear and see some of the rewards of Aftercare.  One particular young lady stands out in my mind.  She lost her husband a little less than a year ago, about the time we were getting our Aftercare program started.  She was only in her twenties, widowed with a young child.  She was devastated as any young wife and mother would be.  We would like to think that because we were there for her, providing literature, support and having someone outside of close family members to listen, she is much further down the road to recovery than she would have been if we did nothing.  She is coping well.  We not only provided Aftercare for her, we have also made a new and close friend.

Do you have any suggestions for directors in other parts of the world who have yet to provide Aftercare services?

Boles:  Yes, start an Aftercare program in addition to what you are already offering!  With the perception the pubic has with retail casket stores and the changes in the funeral industry, we must remember our business is based on serving our families during this crisis in their life. Meeting the total needs of grieving families is what our industry is all about.  Or that's what it should be about!

NEXT MONTH : More thoughts on Aftercare!