Interview 26

CFD has asked Barbara LesStrang to author a series of monthly articles about "aftercare". In this and subsequent issues, we'll bring you information from interviews with funeral directors from all over the world, who are now serving their communities with aftercare programs.  Last  month we interviewed a funeral director from Seaforth, Ontario.  Let's take a look at what others have to say. 

Bert Gauthier is a 1986  graduate of Humber College. Bert worked at Wall-Custance in Guelph, Ontario before he and his wife, Joyce, purchased Dods & McNair Funeral Home in Orangeville in 1988.  Dods and McNair have been a part of the community since 1928.  It is the only locally owned & operated family funeral home in Orangeville. He is a member of Rotary International, Toastmasters, Gideons International, and for the past twenty years has been a member of The Boy Scouts of Canada and The Salvation Army.  Bert and Joyce have two sons, Terry and Abby, both work at the funeral home.  Terry as a licensed funeral director and Abby as an apprentice funeral director.  Joyce Gauthier's brother, Randy Mugford, a student at Humber College, also works at the funeral home. 

Bert and Sherry, do you feel bereaved families are getting the necessary grief support today?

Buffett/Gauthier: Families today don't have the social support that once existed in communities.  Declining church attendance means declined spiritual support and many neighbours don't talk to each other anymore.  Many people have only a limited group of friends and with everyone being so busy now there is not much outside support for bereaved people. The AfterLoss program lets the bereaved know that they are not the only ones going through this most difficult time, it let's them know that they are not alone.  Other people have the same feelings and thoughts that they do.

In your view, what are the needs of newly bereaved people?

Buffett/Gauthier: Newly bereaved people need to know that they have support if they need it.  Just having someone around to share your feeling can make all the difference in the world to a bereaved person.  They have to let their feelings out; keeping them inside doesn't help them go through their grief, it just keeps the grief hidden.  Newly bereaved people also need time.  They can't just pretend that they have not experienced a loss.  They need time to adjust to life without their loved one.

Did you have any initial reluctance about starting an Aftercare program?

Buffett/Gauthier: Yes we had some apprehension because we weren't sure if the community would support this type of a program but we wanted to help.

Then what was it that made  you decide to begin an Aftercare program?  

Buffett/Gauthier: It was our feeling that the bereaved didn't have enough support in the community.  We thought that the AfterLoss program would assist the bereaved families with their grief.  Our program has been in effect for just over a year now. We leave it up to the family about how long they want to stay in contact with us.  Some people want to stay in contact while others don't need to any longer.  We just let them know that our door is always open for them to come and talk with us, be with a friend, ask questions and hopefully get answers.

Please tell us a little more about your program.

Buffett/Gauthier: We begin the program the day of the funeral.  Along with the package they receive from the funeral home with the business/legal papers, we give them Issue One of the AfterLoss helpletter.  If they have any questions or comments they can feel free to call or stop by to talk about them.  They finish receiving their helpletters six months after the first helpletter. We also have the AfterLoss logo on our business cards and in our regular advertisements in the newspapers.  And we use the AfterLoss grief-recovery "Question & Answer" newspaper ads to educate our community about the grief process.

Do you use or need special staff to facilitate your program?

Buffett/Gauthier: No, we need no special staff for the AfterLoss program.  All we need to do is FAX AfterLoss the names and addresses of our families.

Does having an Aftercare program make you feel any different about your funeral service?

Buffett/Gauthier:  Our service to our families is the same up until the funeral.  Then the AfterLoss program goes into effect letting the families know that we are still caring about them and are there providing support after the funeral as well.

What kind of response have you had from your families to your program?  

Buffett/Gauthier: Families really appreciate the helpletters. After the death of his mother, one of our pastors wrote us the most beautiful letter of appreciation.  Among other things he said, "We could not ask for a more caring and sensitive funeral director.  And on a more personal level, your words and counsel to me over our cup of coffee meant more to me than I could tell you. And then you followed up with a most wonderful gift, 'AfterLoss'.  Thank you so very much."

Has your Aftercare program enhanced the image of your funeral home within your community?

Buffett/Gauthier: Anything that will help our families will enhance the image of our funeral home.

Has your Aftercare program opened any doors for community outreach?

Buffett/Gauthier: We do include the fact that we provide Aftercare for our families in all of the public speaking that we do in our community. We hope this opens doors for our outreach.

Are your competitors providing Aftercare?

Buffett/Gauthier: No, our competitor does not offer Aftercare.

Have you received any local media coverage with your program?

Buffett/Gauthier: When we first began the AfterLoss program we had the local newspapers come in and write an article about the new program to get it out and into the community.

Have you found a way to help educate the clergy in the important area of grief recovery? 

Gauthier: We answer any questions that the clergy may have and of course our doors are always open to people who need or want to talk to us about grief.  In that letter from the clergyman we mentioned earlier, he also said, "I'm sure every issue of AfterLoss will be a great help to me-- as well as equipping me to help others."  He saw the benefit too.

How do you help your families during the holidays? 

Buffett/Gauthier: People who have lost a loved one need to know that it is OK to talk and share their feeling about the person who has died.  At holiday time it is also OK to do something special for or in memory of the deceased.  Their memory should be shared at joyous times, not just sad ones.

What are your most difficult situations? 

Buffett/Gauthier: Our most difficult situations are when children die.

How do you meet the special needs?

Buffett/Gauthier: Our service to our families is the same up until the time of the funeral.  Then the AfterLoss program goes into effect and the families know that we still think of them and are there for support if it is needed after the funeral.

Is there any particular group within the bereaved that you feel need more support?  

Buffett/Gauthier: I feel that children who have lost a parent need additional support.  This is one of the biggest adjustments they will ever have to make. Also, the loss of a young child is another situation where the parents will need more grief recovery assistance and support.  

Sherry, the fact that you are a woman--and we are known for our natural ability to comfort and nurture-- do you find these God-given qualities helpful as you reach out to meet the needs of the bereaved families in your community?

Buffett/Gauthier: Yes it is helpful.  When I am the arranging funeral director, it seems that I do have a special relationship with the families I serve.  I'm not saying it's a better relationship, but it is a little different. Maybe it is because I am a woman.  People do seem very comfortable sharing their feelings with me.  This is a very emotional time for them and they need the relief of letting their feelings out and they need to feel safe doing it.  We often exchange hugs.  It seems very natural for me to offer this kind of support.  Even after the funeral, if I meet one of our of our families on the street or at the mall, it's not unusual for me to squeeze their hands and then ask how they are doing.  I try to keep everything very personal. 

Well, keep up the good work, you two.  Before we end, what suggestions would you offer directors who have yet to provide AfterLoss services?

Buffett/Gauthier: We suggest they look into it!